today is my birthday.
i am 32.
i just keep getting older.
today is my birthday.
i am 32.
i just keep getting older.
ever have “one of those days?” well, i’m sure having one today. it started out great. i was even showered and ready to go out the door by 10:00 (unheard of).
i went to pick up some brownies from the amazing camille and stopped to grab us some coffees (and by coffees i mean a hot chocolate and a steeped tea) from tim hortons. they were out of steeped tea. they offered me a regular tea.
steeped tea is not the same as regular tea. it’s better. and regular tea won’t cut the mustard when you really really want a steeped tea.
*end side note*
so i left there, after being trapped in the drive through line for like ten minutes, and drove to another one. it was closer to camille’s work, but has a busier drive through. i decided to go through anyway. i was two cars from the talkie box when my brother called. i answered it since i knew he was in town. he was lost and couldn’t find the place he was going to. i tried to help him, always inching forward with the cars in front of me. i hang up and realise i’m at the window and didn’t place an order. i went to roll down my window and hit the rear one. rolled it up and rolled down mine. i told the lady at the window i was a moron, she said that’s okay and took my order. i handed her the money, got my change back and drove away. with out the “coffees”. DERRRRP. so i found a parking spot, went in and got in line. a lady came over with the drinks, laughing and making fun of me in tagalog. as i was walking back to my car, i noticed the rear window was still down. i tried to roll it up. nope. didn’t move. FUCK ME. so i drive to camille’s work with my window down, in the snow and -4°c cold. get to her work, pet her dog (which made me feel better) and chatted for a bit. i left, went to a dodge dealership and got them to take a look at it. no prob. can you leave it here this afternoon? sure. i got mr buttons to drive me home since he was near by and it was his lunch. he dropped me off, i came in and broke a glass. and it exploded all over the counter.
i then ate some brownies.
just got a call from the dealership. we had been hoping the window was just off the track, but it turns out it’s the motor. good news, they have the part. bad news, it’s going to be $440.00 to fix.
i was going to do some ironing, but i’d probably just burn my house down. what a fucking day.
or maybe you did. i don’t care.
i got an email from my yahoo account regarding my viagra receipt. how odd, i thought, since i haven’t used my yahoo account since switching to gmail (it’s forwarded), and have never ordered viagra in my life. assuming i had been hacked, i went to yahoo to change my password.
while in my email, i noticed a folder that had been long dormant. i opened it and read a few emails. as i read, i got angry. angry at the person the emails were from, but more so, angry at myself.
this person caused a huge upheaval in my life. turned my entire world upside down, in fact. he blew into my life on 2 february, 2008 and left it, and me, a jagged mess on 26 august, 2008. our relationship was one of great distances. physically for the first few months, emotionally for the last. the things that made me angry were after he left. we both knew going into it that he would be leaving. he works in a far off land and was only home for the summer. i left my long time relationship, my home, and my precious dog for him. it caused a rift with my family, mostly my mother, that i don’t think will ever be fully repaired. i thought that i was doing what was right for me, and in doing so, broke many hearts, including my own.
if it hadn’t been for him, i would still be living a life that i had resigned to, but never truly enjoyed. in fact, for most of it, i numbed my feelings with drugs (WHAT’S THIS??? you ask? relax. it was marijuana. nothing to get your panties in a knot over). once i decided to grow up and stop being a chronic, i discovered that i wasn’t as happy as i thought i had been. i am grateful that this person was the catalyst i needed to get out of there, but the way i did it was shameful and haunts me still to this day (a whopping three years later).
like i said, we both knew that he was leaving and that this was to be a summer fling. unfortunately, my heart wasn’t on board with this plan, and it turns out, i fell for him. hard. we did have a history. i had known him since i was 17, when i developed a massive crush on him. unfortunately, he was on the coaching staff of a team i was the trainer for. it would have been highly inappropriate for anything to happen. a few years later, i ran into him at the bar. the crush was rekindled and i was re-smitten. i began hanging out in places i knew he would be and “bumping into him. nothing ever happened and he moved away. i never saw him again; eventually, he was relegated to the back of my mind as a distant memory. until facebook. we messaged back and forth (how’s life? etc) and then he suggested i add him on msn. i did. one night i was alone in a hotel after the heart wrenching funeral of my cousin. my boyfriend had refused to accompany me, since he, in his own words, hates funerals and won’t go to them. the msn got racy, and i was left feeling exhilarated and extremely guilty. i convinced myself it wasn’t cheating since it was just talk. words are not the same as actions.
fast forward to june. he came home. we met. i left my home that same day. we spent the summer “not dating”, although i secretly ached to call him mine. my phone was always in my hand, waiting for that call or text. mostly they never came. my roommates watched me stare longingly at my phone, and joked how i was waiting around for scraps from master’s plate. i was. and it wasn’t funny.
when he left, my heart broke into a thousand pieces. i cried as i had never cried before. i went through the motions of my days like a zombie. i was still being harangued by my ex, daily calls of him alternating between berating me and begging me to come home. telling me how absolutely horrible i was, and in the next breath, declaring his undying love for me. i didn’t have the strength to deal with him. i would spend the call agreeing with him and apologising for how awful i was. i almost relented and went back.
but i digress. i was talking about the emails from the other man after he had left. i was reading them. as i read, i was reminded of the pain of that time. of how truly awful i felt about myself. of staring out the window of my 33rd floor office and thinking about how easy it would be to just jump. just float away to nothing. every line i read was filled with anguish. i was pouring out my heart to him. i was all but begging him to say that he had felt something, ANYTHING for me. and every single time it was brushed off, ignored, or there was a flippant reply that revolved around his misery of being homesick. not for me, of course. just for his friends. i didn’t see it at the time. my replies were always, “poor baby. how awful it must be for you there.”
i was completely and utterly besotted. he knew it. and he could not have cared less.
there was one person during this time that did care. he pulled me out of the darkness with his friendship, his kindness, and his love. sat by me in my misery and lent me his dogs when i missed mine. he showed me what real love was and brought me happiness that i thought i would never have. his name is mr buttons, and i am eternally grateful to him for all he has done for me.
i was just looking in a purse i haven’t used in nearly two years.
i found two things that made me happy.